"My friend assures me, 'It's all or nothing.'
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned."

As I look down inside I very rarely see my face looking back. On days it's good, it's really good. Its a beautiful woman, and she's holding out her arm calling to me. She dances with me in every movement I make. I can smell her hair, and she's young and innocent. She says "See, I told you...it always gets better. I never went anywhere." I look back at her and I think back to her and float in infinity. She's never changed, she's always stayed the same. Always young, always innocent, always beautiful...and it was love at first sight.

"But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey, or something in between,
And I can always change my name if that's what you mean."

This is one of those days where I fucking hate it. It's not that beautiful female today. It's male, it's my worst enemy. It's ugly, it's harsh, it's death, it's anger. He's laughing at me and he's hurting me as he laughs. He wants my blood and I want his. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. And I know the harder I fight, the more I lose myself to him.

"It seems like I should say, 'As long as this is love...' But it's not all that easy, so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net and pin her down on a photograph album.
I am not worried cuz I've done this sort of thing before."

Right now I miss her...I wish she was here. And even though she has always returned, I'm afraid of how long till I see her again.Till then I'll fight...always wondering if she's ultimately out of my league, maybe I have underestimated my enemy. Either way, so long as I don't quit, in the end I'll get to die in her arms. Maybe that'll inspire someone stronger than me to rise up, to continue the war.

"And every time she sneezes I believe it's love...."


*Quoted lyrics from Anna Begins by Counting Crows

Haven't really looked forward to eating for a while...mostly due to the fact that I'm tired of stuffing myself trying to maintain weight. I'm looking forward to the next few weeks though dropping about 5 pounds because I get to eat less for a change, and this also affords me to eat a lot cleaner if you will. Having said that, here's what the past few months of eating have looked like:

Morning - Coffee with a ton of cream and sugar(love my pumkin spice latte), maybe a slice of toast.
After first practice - A huge protein fruit smoothie with about 1000 calories in it, comprised mostly of blueberries, bananas, a couple tablespoons of peanut butter, protein powder, ginger, cinnamon, and honey.
Dinner(after second practice) - Pizza, Chipotle, Chinese food, or Subway.
Dessert - 1 pint of Ben & Jerry's Candy Bar Pie(American Dream is good too)
Misc - Snacking on gummi candy throughout the day(1-2 packs a day), and pita chips with hummus occasionally with dinner.

I'll add here that I'm vegetarian. I'll basically drop weight by pulling the ice cream occasionally or exchanging the pizza and Chinese food for more Subway, maybe cut the midday shake in half a bit every once and a while. Losing weight has never been a hard thing for me, it's not very complicated; you just eat a little less and or move more till the scale starts to go in your favor. I'll do this for about 3-4 weeks most likely(maybe lose a little more depending on how consistent training is going) and then start building the food back up as practice intensity increases over the coming months. You have to eat if you're gonna train hard. I could write volumes on this. Everybody can train hard once in a blue moon, but very few can do this day in day out, month in month out for years... and even fewer can recover from it. You have to fuel yourself properly so that you have adequate energy to train at your hardest, and also so that you have the proper building blocks for recovery. Throw in ten hours of sleep a day and over the years that all adds up to a whole lot of progress.